I Am A Person

Recently, a friend of mine made a bold decision. This divorced mother of two had raised her children largely by herself. Now that they are grown, she’s decided to embark on a new chapter of her life by moving to another country. On a different continent. Understandably, her offspring are ambivalent about the move. They are happy she’s taking this opportunity, but they worry that the mother they’ve always depended on won’t be as available anymore.

As the older one said, “But Mom, you’re my person.”

Here is my friend’s epic response:

“But Honey, I am a person.”

Humans are not Bears.

When her cubs reach the ripe old age of 2 ½, the mama grizzly bear gets an itch to seek out a new baby daddy. Without a growl of warning, she sashays off in search of new love. After losing their 24/7 protection, the confused cubs are suddenly and completely on their own. They will have two choices; mature, or perish. Having survived their hazardous environments, grown grizzlies are self-sufficient, emotionally mature creatures.

Humans are Interdependent

Humans, on the other hand, live in interdependent multigenerational family groups. In terms of allowing us to be fruitful and multiply, this evolutionary strategy has been  wildly successful.* Staying connected to parents and grandparents may, however, come at a cost to our emotional maturity.  In addition to providing emotional and physical support, the older generation unwittingly interferes with the maturation process of the younger one. This isn’t intentional or pathologic, although sometimes the impingement is so great that offspring end up unable to function independently. This, too, is part of human evolution.

One of the main ways parents undermine their child’s development is by doing things for them that they can do for themselves. This might be as simple as tying a kindergartner’s shoes rather than waiting patiently while they fumble around with the bunny ears. Most people roll their eyes at the ‘bulldozer’ parents who complete their kid’s college and job applications. They understand that this is not the path to raising an independent person.

Another way parents interfere with their child’s emotional growth is by putting so much of themselves into parenting that there is little energy left for their own relationships, interests or goals.

Parents are people

Many grown ups never come to view their parents as individuals with hopes, dreams, and disappointments of their own. Without that insight, they can’t develop an adult-to-adult relationship with them. Or, perhaps, with anyone. The ability to maintain an adult-to-adult relationship with one’s (imperfect) parent is a primary marker of emotional maturity. Parents help cultivate that maturity by maintaining clearly defined spheres of their lives separate from family or children. Tolerating the distress triggered by letting kids struggle by finding their own answers, and making their own mistakes, is another aspect of raising emotionally adult adults.

My friend put so much of herself into raising her kids it’s no wonder they are nervous about her leaving. But I suspect that her desire and ability to “be a person” will lend the biggest assist to their developing capacity to do the same.

*There are plenty of problems with the ‘be fruitful and multiply’ paradigm, as we are collectively learning.