This relationship pattern is characterized by periods of intense closeness followed by conflict, followed by distance or making up. During the conflict phase, neither partner wants to give in. People who engage in conflict tend to become critical when their anxiety or stress is high. They blame others, project their problems onto others, focus more on the faults of other than the self, and sometimes become verbally or physically abusive.
Distance can look like two people living parallel lives. Sometimes the distance takes the form of the “pursuer-distancer” relationship. (Because in fact both partners have difficulty with intimacy, the pursuer will likely begin to distance if the distancer comes in closer.) Distancing can be seen in periods of being “not on speaking terms,” workaholism or any other “ism” including drug and alcohol use, excessive time spent on hobbies, withdrawing into silence when upset, superficial communication with significant others, and difficulty relating to family members.
Signs of over-functioning include: Advice-giving, doing things for others that they could be doing for themselves (co-dependence), worrying excessively about others, knowing what is best for others, feeling responsible for others, talking more than listening, having goals for others they don’t have for themselves. Over- functioning causes people to feel burnt-out or as though they’ve “lost themselves” in the relationship. Signs of under-functioning include: Asking for advice rather than thinking for yourself, asking many people for advice and not taking it, getting others to do things for you, acting irresponsibly, listening more than talking, being without personal goals, not following through with goals, often becoming physically or mentally ill, tending to become addicted.
Sometimes people switch from an over-functioning to an under-functioning position depending on their life circumstances. An example is someone who adopts an under-functioning position in his relationship until his partner (who has been in the over-functioning position) get ill. At that point, the partners flip roles. It is a common misperception to think of the over-functioning partner as more healthy, independent, or mature than the under-functioning partner but in reality each is anxiously reacting to the other. At times the over/under-functioning reciprocity leads to dysfunction in one or both partners. The toll of chronically anxious coping styles can contribute to or trigger physical or emotional illness.
Emotional triangles form when any two people react to the tension between them by “triangling” in a third person. Triangles are evident whenever two people are gossiping, complaining, worrying about or bonding over a third person. Triangles are normal and only become problematic when they get “stuck” or they prohibit you from being able to resolve your issues.
An example of an extremely problematic emotional triangle is an affair. Broadly speaking, someone has an affair in reaction to emotional distance that is itself a reaction to chronic tension between the couple. It sounds like if you don’t attend to the growing distance with your girlfriend you could be at risk for having an affair. That won’t solve anything. Coaching with a therapist who understands triangles can help you to find better ways of handling the stress in your relationship.
