Is It a Thought or Is It a Feeling?

Differentiation of self is defined as your ability to distinguish between your thoughts and feelings in your relationships. Ultimately, the goal of therapy is to increase your level of differentiation. The less well-differentiated you are, the more dependent you will be on the acceptance and approval of others. This dependence will prompt you to either adjust what you think, say, and do to please others or else decide what others should be like and pressure them to conform.

Characteristic of a higher level of differentiation is the willingness and ability to recognize your realistic dependence on others, and the ability to stay calm and clear headed enough in the face of conflict, criticism, and rejection to distinguish thinking based on facts from thinking clouded by emotionality. Thoughtfully acquired principles help guide decision-making about important family and social issues, making you less at the mercy of your feelings of the moment. You can act selflessly, but acting in the best interests of the group is a thoughtful choice, not a reaction to pressure from the group. Confident in your thinking, you can either support another’s view without following blindly or reject another view without making anyone a “bad guy”. This is a lifelong journey, as no one is ever “differentiated”. It’s always a work in progress. The higher your level of differentiation, the fewer the interpersonal difficulties you’ll tend to have, and the easier time you’ll have coping with life’s inevitable challenges. You’ll also find it easier to be intimate with your loved ones because closeness won’t feel like being “swallowed up”.

According to Ed Friedman (Friedman, 1999, p. 183):

• Differentiation refers to a direction in life rather than a state of being:
• Differentiation is the capacity to take a stand in an intense emotional system.
• Differentiation is saying “I” when others are demanding “we”.
• Differentiation is containing one’s reactivity to the reactivity of others, which includes the ability to avoid being polarized.
• Differentiation is maintaining a non-anxious presence in the face of anxious others.
• Differentiation is knowing where one ends and another begins.
• Differentiation is being able to cease automatically being one of the system’s emotional dominoes.
• Differentiation is being clear about one’s own personal values and goals.
• Differentiation is taking maximum responsibility for one’s own emotional being and destiny rather than blaming others or the context.